Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The Goddess Phenonomenon

Mary Magdeline, Cleopatra, Helen of Troy, Joan of Ark, Queen Elizabeth l, Sacajawea, Eleanor Roosevelt, Marilyn, Jackie, Princess Diana, Madonna, and now...Sarah Palin? Society through the ages has always loved to worship and adore the goddess figure. There are many more; to many to list. We love to put them on pedestals, adore and admire them, and then LOVE to see them come crashing down.

Gay men love a messy, bitchy goddess who can make a triumphant comeback in the face of adversity; especially if she has fabulous hair, fabulous clothes and fabulous shoes. Cher, Judy Garland, and Martha Stewart come to mind right off the bat. Most of the list of women here are all comeback queens. There is something about a women who stands up to the world and says "Don't F*** with me boys, cuz I've been to this rodeo before". You go girl.

I think that after computer run demographics, test audience response meters, and careful but risky planning, the Republican National Committee has come up with what they are hoping to be the classic Goddess figure: A hail Mary pass named Sarah Palin. Build her up, tear her down and like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, maybe she just might emerge triumphant, strong, and with a country full of gay men worshiping at her feet. But, to bad she prays for gays to become straight. The "Pray for Gays"movement does not seem to have a lot of traction. Especially in California. Even Sulu from Star Trek just had a Hollywood gay marriage in People magazine.

California is important for several reasons.First, there is a LOT of electoral votes at stake, and then there is The "Miss California" franchise; a multi million dollar beauty machine owned by GUY-REX. Guy and Rex are two gay guys who started out as pageant coaches in Texas 30 years ago. They bought the "Miss Texas" franchise and then went on to California. These guys basically invented the modern day "Goddess Phenomenon" as we know it today. In the past 20 years Miss California and/or Miss Texas has made the top five in The "Miss USA" pageant. Women from all over the states competing in different pageants and women from countries around the world vie for the coveted "Miss Universe" crown pay A LOT of money for the best coaching available to become a top beauty queen. There are basic rules that you learn on the first day.

Sarah Palin is a top beauty pageant competitor. Runner up in the 1984 "Miss Alaska" pageant is no small feat, and the coaching to get to that level is grueling and cut throat. Alfred and I have coached for the "Miss Massachusetts" pageant and there are some basic rules of thumb that one follows-always and forever. Inside that vice presidential veneer beats the heart of a cold blooded beauty queen capable of ripping the sequins off her opponents dress minutes before Joe Bidden changes into the evening gown competition tomorrow night. Her conservative suit will either be creamy off white- (honest, chaste, and pure) or Coca Cola red. (patriotic, bold, assertive) I wouldn't be surprised if it was a combination: creamy blouse and/or scarf with a bold red suit, and FABULOUS shoes. As her coach I would squeeze her into full body SPANX (the new head to toe Lycra girdle that Oprah lives by) and follow the cardinal rules of the "interview competition":

-Walk out with purpose, poise,and personality.
-Keep you pinkys on your thighs, face the camera (judges) in a 3/4 side pose with a "toe pop" in the ballet classic 4th position. (every little girl age 6 and over knows what that
position is)
-most importantly, get in as many of the 7 beauty pageant mantras as possible:

1) GOD

There are a few other key words, phrases, and techniques that help. "MENTOR" is the new word in the last few years that's getting legs. "SPECIAL NEEDS" and dismantling land mines in really poor African countries-while committing to help cure the HIV epidemic over there while your at it, is good too if you can get that in. A big trick that Sarah has already proved a pro at, is to mention the interviewer/judges name as often as you can during the answer. It's a time filler, and it makes you look really interested and introspective on the question." Charlie/Katie I am COMMITTED..." Choking back tears- with a dramatic pause to take a sip of water to regain your composure is a sure winner. You buy a lot of time to come up with your next insincere answer to the question you have no idea what they're talking about: "In regards to what aspect Charlie...?"

Joan of Ark, Queen Elizabeth , Eleanor Roosevelt, Princess Diana, Madonna, and Sarah Palin share some other attributes as well. I could imagine all of them being able to dress out a deer haunch in the field if necessary, shoot a brace of quail for dinner, land a giant bull Salmon on the St John river, or a Striped Bass off Cape Cod, and then throw back a few scotches around a campfire. Is the perfect goddess able to go from a white water kayak to a strapless evening gown in under ten minutes? If I were the moderator at the debate Thursday night, I would ask that question. Or how about wouldn't it be a blast to shoot deer out of the helicopter on the way to Camp David? Which best girlfriend would you take?

We need to be careful now with the tear down phase. With six weeks to go, We've built her up, and now she's nose diving for the crash. But with just the right timing, she could be released from "Camp Cupcake," forgiven for marring the Greek tycoon, or sainted for being burned at the stake. We need to watch for her rising from the ashes the week before the election. The Brittany Spears Phoenix was much bigger then anyone guessed, and Cher has risen so many times that she has to brush the ash out of her hair.

Sarah however will never EVER get the "pink vote." (Which according to Sue Hyde's book "Come out and Win" was close to 6% of John Kerry's total vote.) By the way, how come no one ever mentions the "pink vote"? We have the lunch pail vote and the hockey mom vote among other obscure demographic groups . I think the Gay vote is pretty significant, and no one seems to mention it. Cher, Barbara Streisand, and Barney Frank certainly all know how important the "pink vote" is. We vote, and we give money.

Watch for all the beauty pageant training techniques on Thursday night. Don't forget both Miss USA's fell down on live Television, like a sack of potatoes two years in a row at the Miss Universe pageant. And yet, they both made the top five. Two years ago she was first runner up. Just remember the sacred words: "If for any reason Miss USA cannot fulfill her duties, the runner up takes over the crown. If John McCain had to relenquish his crown like Vanessa Williams did, at least Sarah will look great, Vaseline her teeth, saran wrap her thighs, and keep that smile sparkling at the middle East negotiating table. And the winner is....


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