Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Gay Hairdresser's guide to the Superbowl

I'm really trying to get it; Superbowl Sunday. All the clients (Alfred's especially) have been weighing in all week about this big deal of a game. Alfred predicted on our last radio show that Baltimore would play Philadelphia. Eagles, Ravens, now Cardinals- all the bird teams. I don't think they even have any Cardinals out there in the desert. They certainly don't have Eagles flying around downtown Philadelphia. Already I'm not getting the bird thing. At least Pittsburgh has a name "Steelers" that makes sense, being a steel mill town and all. It's a manly butch sounding name that fits well with the kind of sport that football seems to be. Cardinals are pretty sweet little red song birds, and it's a girly sounding name. ("My bridesmaid dresses were Cardinal red") Besides, I thought the Cardinals were a baseball team? Are they just trying to confuse gay guys here?

To me it's been a no brainer about who would win. Pittsburgh or Arizona-big strong steelworkers that drive 4 wheelers through snow, and grow up tackling each other in leaf piles, vs old wrinkled retired people driving Mercedes Benz's that learned falling into cactus piles and avoiding the rattlesnakes in every backyard. Kids in Pittsburgh come into eat hearty root vegetable soup on nippy Fall Sundays after playing. Kids come out of the hot sun to the air conditioning for Tacos with shredded iceberg lettuce. Hands down, Pittsburgh has the football Karma going and will win.

It is currently halftime and Bruce Springstein has sung Born to Run. He's all American, cool, and I'm loving the show, but I wish there were a few marching bands with precision flag and rifle twirlers, dazzling sequined baton twirlers, and drumlines all marching in complex formations. Now THAT is a good halftime show.I still have yet to see a decent cheerleader tonight however. I know Arizona has great cheer girls...Come on, BRING IT!! BRING IT ON!! But even without cheerleaders, I can't believe I've made it this far into the game without turning the channel to see what's on Lifetime Network, or Turner Classic Movies. I am strangely mesmerized by this game. I need more cheerleaders though.

First, I have to say that white spandex pants and white socks is just wrong, wrong, wrong. Yet another reason Arizona should lose. EVERYBODY knows you don't wear white pants after Labor Day. Especially #75 and #68 who look even fatter because they are wearing white. Rolls of thigh fat are squished into the pants on those guys; extremely unflattering. Who designs this stuff? If I were going to be on TV in front of millions of people. you couldn't make me wear white pants. I like the gold and black pants on the Steelers. Yeah, they should get extra bonus points for their outfits.

I thought I saw Whoopie Goldburg out there in the beginning with the dred locks. Several of the Arizona guys have Whoopie's hair coming out of the back of their helmets. It just doesn't work for me. The WORST hair award definitely goes to Pittsburgh #43 who has Diana Ross's hair from the movie Mahogany bubbling down his back. You'd think it would get yanked and pulled. Only Manny really gets away with the dred look I think in pro sports, and that's another sport all together.

OK, there's 2 minutes left, and Arizona has made a come back. The fat guys in the white pants are ahead by 3 - this is getting good. TOUCHDOWN!! Pittsburgh pulls off an amazing pass with 35 seconds left. Yeah, I'm enjoying this. The pretty boy quarterbacks are throwing great passes. Where are the supermodels they all date tonight? (that announcer sure says the word "penetration" a lot by the way). The fat guys fumbled at the last second, and Pittsburgh wins. Gatorade baths, ass slapping, and pig piling. I'm happy. I hope Alfred won a bet. I don't understand all that point spread stuff, but there has been a lot of talk about that all week at the salon.

Here comes Joe Namath to give out the trophy. Didn't he used to wear pantyhose? He looks really good. GREAT hair!! Nice cut, natural looking color with a few highlights. He has teeth so white that you could see them from the space shuttle. He's the original "pretty boy quarterback." There is a long line: The Paytons, Doug Flutie, William Perry, Emmitt Smith, Joe Greene, Tony Roma. Roger Staubach, Joe Montana, and my personal favorite from San Francisco-ahem- Steve Young. And now Tom Brady is the boy du jour. Giselle was hand feeding him bon bons this week in the papers-revolting.

There was/is a big Superbowl party at the White House tonight with Barac. That would have been really fun to go to. I would have hung out with Michelle and the girls, keeping the Chile, Buffalo Wings, and beer coming, and trying not to ask stupid questions about "off sides". I can only imagine the conversation, cigar smoke and Brandy snifters that are going on at this very moment. I bet they're surprised at the breaking news that Michael Phelps was stupid enough to get photographed smoking pot. Those big sports endorsements could be in jeopardy. He said "I acted in a youthful and inappropriate manor" That's pretty good damage control. Remember what happened to Kate Moss though, she lost all her endorsements. She was snotty, over 30, and to skinny snorting coke with an attitude. Michael's owned up, and is under 20, he'll be fine. Nice to see he has a bit of a bad boy edge, like Joe Namath.

This week on HAIR ON THE AIR RADIO Alfred and I will be live, taking phone calls, (617 824 8100) and having our own Superbowl after party from 7-8pm on Thursday night. I'm sure we will have a lot to say about the game and the aftermath. I certainly will as this is the second football game I've ever watched all the way through, and actually paid attention. since The only other one I watched was over 20 years ago in my brother's basement. He tried to explain the nuances of the game as we watched the Boston Patriots play on a yet again another Sunday. There seems to be a religious, spiritual ritual connected to football. It's always played on Sundays, and brings friends, family, and communities together just like parishes do. Maybe it was Divine intervention that day I watched that fateful game in the basement. God intercede as Doug Flutie threw the now infamous "Hail Mary" pass. I saw that live; a Miracle. That one play has been replayed thousands of times on televisions all over the world for all these years. I was there for it and watched my brother's eyes roll back, spasm into Hallelujah, and have a moment of Hail Mary Epiphany. The religion of Football- God really does work in mysterious and unseen ways.

Let us know what you thought of the $3 million commercials. My favorite was the Budweiser Clydesdale horse in love with the pretty white circus horse, and their quest to be together. Tune in Thursday night. I'll be the pretty circus horse, and Alfred will be the Italian Clydesdale.